I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
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