my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
