The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
