I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
