she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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