my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
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