Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
