I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
