how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Randomize
