How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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