I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
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