you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Randomize
