HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
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