um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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