Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Your cock deserves a montage
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
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