The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Randomize
