No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
