my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
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