Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
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