i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Randomize
