Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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