i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
