My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Randomize
