I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
literally had 100 drinks last night.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
