the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Randomize
