those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
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