sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
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