My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
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