So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
