she is the kim kardashian of front butts
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I think my moral compass just broke
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
