Me. At least after what I've been through.
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
