Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Randomize
