You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
