my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
