Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
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