He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
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