I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
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