Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Randomize
