Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
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