Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
