onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
