Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
