tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
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