Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I fill condoms, not promises.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
Randomize
