So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
