Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
