remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
