broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Randomize
