My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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