matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
