I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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